Some roads are long. Tiny steps are steps too. Take your time. Try to enjoy. Do things you used to like to do. Some sayings that I heard the last period more than I would like to hear. Strange isn’t it, how a human being can be sometimes, is what I am thinking.  The last period is more like: How are you? I have heard that you are not doing so well. Well that changed. I can say I am in recovery mode and be more positive than I was doing.

 So, my last few months were not so easy. To bad I have been going again through a dark period. Now is the time to work on my recovery again. Maybe I work harder now than I did ever before. A dark period also known as a depression. Depression explained is “a disease what touched your mood en the feelings. If you are having a depression you can drown in a down feeling. You can be losing your interest in life and joy of living it. “Generally known is that causes of a depression can be in biologic, social and physical factors. Why my depression came back on me is something I am figuring out.

Because in 2016 I had also a depression and got some help from therapies and medication to work my self back in to “normal” life. I had a goal. To pick up life and go for it. Sport could be the thing to succeed. I have lived like a full time pro athlete. With a few successes on national and international level. I thought that I had everything under control, like mentally and physically. Because there was a period that I felt good. Till December came and I had a huge setback.

It is so hard to understand and difficult when I feel so sad and down. It became more difficult when fear and distrusting took over my normal behaviour. Professional help was much needed. I was totally lost and thought that I was capable to fix my own problems. It was worse that my distrusting brought me in to more trouble. That’s why I have spent a couple of weeks in forced hospitalization of a psycho hospital. I can tell a lot more about what I have been going through but that is not the main reason why I wanted to write this blogpost. I do like to tell that I work on myself, that I found a way to look to things more positive.

Working on myself is so tough. It feels so much harder than training for a triathlon. Just now in a period of recovery I do get to know how fit I was back in those days. Its hard to work with that mindset. I had a big ambition with crosstriathlon. My dream was to live like a professional sportsman. I had a plan with, goals that could make that happen. I can say that I am proud of what I do have achieved so for. And again, I am realising that I was close to make my dream come true.

Back to the moment, what I am doing now. Sometimes I struggle a lot to train. It goes not so smooth I was used to. Medication and food-to-forget-emotions are causes that I become heavier in weight. My fitness level is dramatic compare that I am used to. And the motivation to train due all this makes it not easier. Personally, its no priority now to “get in shape” again. I know that time will come, but first things first.

Stability and organization are things that I need in life. Because if a depression is tackling me for a third time is not on my schedule. So, in the hospital I have had a couple of test and the outcome has a big impact on me and my lifestyle. The diagnosis is autism spectrum disorder level 1. This disorder is a chronical condition and is in a large spectrum expressing itself in many ways. Because of top sport I did not have had any problems so far. But in my offseason of my triathlon-lifestyle I was into a lot of things that gave me a lot of stress. What I know now is something where I can work on. And that motivates me. Still I have a kind of explanation for what all happened and that helps me a lot.

Luckily, I can, with some help, from the local community, working on problems. Accepting of how I am doing en what I want and what I am capable of is a process what I can compare to training. It is learning new skills or taking some advice to fine tune. But it takes some time. Investing, try en learn. In my heart I do know what I want and what I am capable of, but also knowing my limits. I must follow my heart and set some goals. Training to challenge. I know I am not there yet. What I do know is what I wanted to share because this writing helps me to process all.

Cheers Mark